When old love feels new again

I'm the type of person that can get back with someone that I was dating, not even to the extent of dating, also just being jiggy with.

This comes with heavy consequence, I say this because I have not successfully gotten back with any of my love-back prospects and it just end without further damaging what already was a tainted situation. And I don't mean successfully in the sense where we stayed together after the rekindling, but when we had reached the climax of what we thought could be the "second time around" (and trust you me, that shit disappears into thin air like nothing ever happened, depending on the route of the situation of course).

It just begs the question: why do we go back into something that was tried and tested and clearly did not work out?

I blindly follow my heart, and I use the word blindly because it describes how I love in its entirety. Now at this point I don't know if this is detrimental considering past events, and should really consider changing the course of how I am handling this very fragile part of my spirit.

Things I am afraid of when doing this: losing myself, because the way you love filters into other parts of your life and could eventually alter the type of person you are, which is a big no no for me. Also, It will just feel fake, fake from my side, unfair to the counterpart, uncomfortable for us both and forced is not part of my mental anatomy honey.

But then again, how long will this shit go on for? I'm in my early twenties but I am so sick of this shit. Lol it's such nonsense. A friend of mine was telling me that this is the time for me to filtrate these types of futile relationships out of my system and fruitfully conjure up the type of person I actually want to be with.While I get the ideology behind this notion, it just seems just very "the route everyone seems to take and really does not work" and then we are back to square one.

I bumped into an old love at an event recently and I gave him my number. We had started speaking on the phone and of course the natural next step would be the reminiscing and nostalgia as I had mentioned ( even though this has happened, it has not progressed into the hole of romantic relations in love-back terms), but rather spirits that are very fond of each other, spirits that make each other laugh, lightening the heart on a Wednesday afternoon when work gets a little heavy.

This may sound like a friendship, lol,but friendship is not the word to use for us. And because we are  living in a society where we have to box feelings and relations into categories for systematic purposes (how to define cheating, exclusivity, identity, belonging etc), there's pressure to label what you are to someone and that confuses us, the participants who are actually going through the motions

With all the confusion, the rejection, the rejecting, the unknown, the omitting of feelings, the silent periods , assumptions,  fuck the list is endless; nothing can overpower the love component in human relation. And even with free will, love sways so much into perspective, it may not be the preferred perspective of every individual, but how we handle love determines the quality of your life.

 I choose happiness, and happiness is a four letter word.