The art of letting go

Over the years, I have learnt that people don't stay. Some move, some pass away and some blatantly say "no, I'm out" - and honestly, there is nothing you can do but accept it and go on bettering yourself, living your life and appreciating the people who are actually there.

This blog post is actually a reflective piece on learning the difference between internalizing and ACTUALLY letting things go. Now some people may think they have let something go, be it childhood trauma, friendship fallouts, the end of a relationship - but they've actually internalized it and stored it with all the other unhealthy parts of their lives they're trying not to think about.

I had a breakdown with my father when I was 19, I'm 24 now, that means a total of 5 years of no communication, no contact - absolutely nothing. Then last night, a phone call.

I knew this day would come and I wasn't really phased about it. I had told myself I didn't need him, I mean I have gotten this far without him so what was a little confrontation. Nonchalance was the name of the game.

Getting through the first half of my 20's was difficult, I'm not going to lie. And being a spiritual, emotional human being didn't make it any easier. Through my oblivion with my father's situation, there were times throughout the years where I would just breakdown and cry. I would sob from the deepest and darkest parts of my heart; sobbing from a place of abandonment, sobbing tears of loneliness, sobbing tears of self-pity.

The weeping would be followed by an impromptu speech for my father in front of the mirror; a list, a list of things he did to hurt me, how he was an unfit father, how I would never forgive him for damaging me - having me spend my adult life healing from shit he did.

After a few of these hypothetical sessions, I realized I was actually internalizing my non-existent relationship with my father. I had basically spent the last 5 years internalizing my father's absence and how much it actually affected me.

I'm not going to go into detail with how the phonecall went down because it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter what I said to him or him to me. When I put the phone down, I felt a sense of freedom, unexplainable freedom. Because at the end of it all, it was about the heart I was carrying around every day of my life - the heart I love with, the heart I create with; I couldn't allow him to occupy my space like that. Nah bru....

This life is too beautiful and I want to spend it inlove, creating and experiencing spiritual moments from the Universe.

I won't be able to do that with the heart of 19-year-old me. And that's why I have decided to let go and rest easy with what God and given me thus far.

Love and Light.