2022 : To The Year Of Being

Every New Year, I try to put pen to paper as to who I was in the year, and who I would like to be in the next. It's quite cliché, but I don't care. I'm a writer so to me it's just a thought until it's on paper. So I usually have some sort of premise for these year-end/ new year blogs before I write them, generally it's a fleeting moment of rapid emotions that induce the urge to write - in order to purge it all out. Then I guess it's free-range in the breakdown of the events of the year, the emotions that came with them and what I want for myself going forward. Call it an introspective therapy session if you must. 

I've always had trouble differentiating a good and bad year. I don't think I have ever had a good year in my entire life, however, I also can not say I've had a bad year in my life either. Tricky. 

I think because different things have different meanings to different people -  and because these things change over time, it's really difficult for me to say this is black and this is white. 

On paper, the wider population may assume I had a fairly good year. I gained an immense amount of emotional and spiritual growth, financial freedom, landed my dream job, attended cool parties, and looked cute all the damn time. On paper, I had the dream year - a good year. 

But then there's the other side of the coin: emotional battles in healing your trauma, working long frustrating hours for an emotionally abusive company; dealing with constant corporate abuse, subtle racial offenses, and fighting for your worth. The other side of the coin of submitting your CV 200 times only to wake up to 3 rejection emails and the other 197 just don't respond. 

Do you see my dilemma here? 

Good things have bad sides to them and vice versa. It's quite an extraordinary thing really when you look at it past the surface level, I guess you could call it the beauty of life. Nothing great comes easy and sometimes bad turns have a light at the end of the tunnel. 

In this, I have learned to love myself through it all. I know it won't always be roses, but I know the feeling of sunshine on my skin - and to know the two while loving yourself deeply, is the epitome of living your life to the fullest.